6 - Goldilocks balance in handling regret - Dan Pink on The Power of Regret

Dan speaks about his journey from qualifying as a lawyer to what he does now. He also shares his insights around what drives his wide arc of curiosity which has led to him writing about the Mind, the process of Selling, Regret, the Science of Timing and a book about careers in the Japanese comic art form – Manga!

We all are familiar with the phrase – No regrets! Dan speaks about why it may not be a good idea to say that we do not have regrets. In the book, he actually speaks about an individual who got a Tattoo that said “No Regrets” and subsequently regretted that! He compares Regret to a photographic negative and says that it might have useful information around what we truly care about.

Dan speaks about the Four core regrets that often lie below the surface of the regrets which we often experience – Foundation regrets (I wish I had done the work to lay the foundation when I was younger), Boldness regrets (If only I had taken the chance), Moral regrets (I wish I had done the right thing), Connection regrets (If only I had reached out). He also speaks about how the regrets we have reveals something about the needs we might have.

Dan speaks about the work of Barry Schwartz around regret and teases out the distinction between regret and FOMO (Fear of missing out). He also speaks about how we call can undertake “time travel” to ensure that the “me of 10 years from now” would minimize regret.

Dan speaks about an interesting piece of research where the study shows that Bronze Medallists are often happier (for being on the podium) than Silver Medallists (who are often upset about missing the Gold). He goes on to speak about the role of “at-least” and “if-only” in the way we frame situations in our head.

Dan makes the point that a lot of us are not quite taught to cope effectively with negative emotion. He says that we need to be careful with how we handle regret. On one hand, we can’t ignore it. On the other hand, we can’t wallow in it. Getting that balance right can sometimes be hard.

Dan discusses three phases that we might want to go through when we deal with regret. The first step is going inward with self-compassion while processing the regret. The second step is about sharing it with a few people around us. The third step is about processing the lesson from that episode and moving forward with greater conviction.

Dan speaks about the role of regret especially around transitions. He refers to the Japanese art form of Kintsugi which is about embracing the negatives and bringing beauty because of them and not in spite of them. He also refers to the work of Herminia Ibarra who speaks about acting your way into a new way of thinking.

Dan speaks about two types of Connection regrets – rifts (an event happens and people separate) and drifts (where people move away from each other slowly). He speaks about having a bias for action when it comes to these kinds of regrets as over the long term people regret omissions much more than commissions.